Ass Press News Flash:
Would-be school shooter dies in a hail of bullets
J. Mordechai Muhammed, unemployed, of Wooster, MA entered Ronald W. Reagan High School in Mudlump, NH today around lunch time armed with a Lorcin 9MM and the intent to do harm. He was intercepted by 11 students and their teacher on the way to the high school's shooting range. Armed with .308 caliber main battle rifles, Mr. Muhammed was no problem for the crack riflemen of the nationally-ranked Reagan Rifles shooting team.
"He didn't move for cover or anything. It was like punching a paper target," said Sally Jeffries, a sophomore at Reagan High.
"He didn't even get a chance to return fire," said William Johnson, 35, and the coach of the shooting team, "He waved his pistol around and screamed, 'Allah Ahkbar!' and the kids just unloaded on him. I'm so proud of them!"
Phillip C. Price, 35, custodian at Reagan High said, "What a mess. That there terrorist fellow bled all over the place. Some folks don't realize that somebody's got to clean up the mess." He went on to say, "At least it was just those .30 caliber rifle shooters. I don't want to think about what the mess would have been like if the .50 caliber team had been here."
Captain John T. Grouse of Mudlump Police Department was interviewed as he was being treated by EMTs for a sprained ankle. He commented on the incident, "My crack SWAT team was on the scene in just under 90 minutes. We certainly had everything well in hand. I'd have been right there with them if I hadn't been injured when I stepped out of the van."
Rebecca Birkenstock cause a minor scene when she drove her Volvo up onto the sidewalk at the school, "I was just so upset. My little Saffron is in there with all of that scary shooting. I wish all icky guns were banned."
Saffron Birkenstock responded that Mr. Muhammed was about to enter her classroom when the rifle team took action, "Actually, I'm kinda glad that the Rifles were there. I'd probably be dead if they hadn't been."
She then asked her mother if she could join the team whereupon Ms. Birkenstock fainted and was transported to St. Francis Hospital.