Some years ago I worked for a Very Large Telecommunications Company. The kind that has a three letter acronym for a name and didn't go broke and change their name to Verizon.
In fact, I worked for them three times, once as contract to hire and then twice more as a contractor.
What can I say. I was young and I needed the money.
Since then, I've changed career tracks from a network and security type, the kind that configures routers and firewalls and such, to a Unix and Linux administrator. Those people that know what that is are nodding their heads. Those that don't, well, it's not important to know what that is except that I haven't done the former in at least five years ever since I escaped from Very Large Telco. I don't work on routers and firewalls anymore. I haven't in a long time.
But the effin recruiters just can't seem to figure it out. I keep getting semi-generic job requisitions that are sufficiently vague as to not exactly state what company the job is with yet leave no doubt to the mind as to what company it is if you know the buzzwords.
So when I realize that a recruiter has sent me a note asking me if I'm interested in going back and doing what I used to do at the place I barely escaped I know they really didn't pay any attention to my resume and have simply keyed on my *very* stale experience and blindly sent out a message to me I know that *gasp* surprisingly they are having a bit of trouble luring the proverbial sailors back to Shanghai after the last little unscheduled cruise.
So I like to have a little fun with them. The names have been changed to protect me. There are no innocents here.
I've reviewed your resume and I would like to speak with you about an IDS/IPS Support Engineer opportunity in Durham, NC. I believe your skills match the requirements for this position very well and you would be considered for this opportunity.
Really? And why do you believe that?
Hi Dude Who Didn't Read My Resume,
Is this job with Very Large Telco?
He gets right back to me:
Thanks for your reply. Yes, this is a position w/ Very Large Telco. It is a 3 yr contract, and it pays $53/hr at the max. If you’re interested, let me know!
I thought so. Well, here you go dude.
I last escaped from that cesspit in 2005 with some of my health and sanity intact (though my therapist and gastroenterologist will likely disagree). That was my third dance with the minions of Hell (Durham chapter) and I'm game for a rematch.
The shrink says that my urge to throw clueless managers out of high windows will almost certainly not come to the forefront. Well probably not. Okay, 50/50.
The ulcer doc says I probably wouldn't be able to chuck more than three or four out before I double over with cramps and vomit up blood and isn't that worth the risk? Personally I think he's full of it. Some of those MBA types are pretty chubby and all that time I spent in lockdown has me pretty flabby. I figure two at most before I tucker out or security tackles me.
And as long as no one there talks to me or makes eye contact I should be able to hold off on any defenestration until your commission check clears and THAT is what is important, amiright?
So here's my offer:
$241.00/hour. Five year binding contract. First three years salary in advance. IN CASH because I trust Very Large Telco exactly as far as I can throw the Overlook Building while wearing my custom-made paisley-print straightjacket.
Large bills are fine.
Every man has his price. Mine is $2.5 million.
I look forward to hearing from you,
A (slowly) recovering ex-Very Large Telco employee.
I really hope this job offer works out. That Colt Monitor has been in my dreams of late.